4fuxsaex

have you ever had someone call you straight out of the blue? i'm talking, not just left field, but foul territory left field! i'm sitting at my job, talking to the hopefully future mrs. 4fuxsaex, when my phone rings.

"hang on a second, babeh!" (i'm a smooth talker, am i not?)

"Joe?"

"yeah?"

"Do you know who this is?"

"mmm....no"

"Really, you don't remember me" "no" "Try and take a guess"

"um, i'm not really good at guessing."

"Come, on... take a guess, you know who this is"

hopeful future mrs. 4fuxsaex is looking away at this time, seemingly uninterested in my phone call. and seeming a bit distant. fuck! what am i gonna say, her name? surely the future mrs. 4fuxsaex would be turned away by that. i mean it took me this long to know she's actually interested in me. gotta act fast must do something.

"are your initials m.s.?"(i knew it was her, who else could it be? i could barely recognize the voice, but it was her. she was definitely older sounding than she was when she was 18.

"Yeah!"

"oh my fucking god!! how the hell have you been?"

"Good. Good. And you?"

"good." damn, i got to get off this phone and get the future mrs. 4fuxsaex's number! what bad timing! "listen, can i call you back later?"

"Yeah, sure."

"cool, do you still have the same number?"

"Yep, 61*-****"

so, basically that was the girl i would have done anything for! that was the girl i thought i'd spend the rest of my life with. she was a knockout! i mean absolutely beautiful, and everyone at work was trying to get with her. i got hated on so much.
why she chose me? i'll never know. why she called now, when things are finally feeling normal for me with other girls?
why did she have to come back into my life?
even if it was for that one brief phone call, even though she sounded very flirtatious and acted like she wanted to see me again.

fuck, i don't know what i'm going to do. on top of that, this girl, shannon, walks up to me in the break room the other day and asks me if i remember her, and that she remembers me. wtf? she looks kinda familiar, but nope. sorry, bitch i don't remember you. i didn't say that, but i thought it.
i thought, hmmm, this could be interesting.
then i hear from people that she's easy. of course one of the people who said that, everyone says is gay. so maybe he just said she was easy so people would think he's not gay?...and so is the tale of my life.

I was gonna post something interesting and poingant about reading mixed signals from females. a topic i really know nothing about, but am bombarded with them on a daily basis.
alas, i have no time to post right now, because my shift is over, the dishes are done, and i'm outta here!!

but, i will leave you with this, it's from the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy.

LIFE Is .... Paradoxically Coincidental To The Ironical Tyrrany Applicable To The Unparalleled Definition Of Reverse Entropy

besides the fact that the redcross throws more blood away than roseanne on her period, that's not the point. seriously they have enough blood, too much in fact.
but that is not why i'm writing this, no it is because i just saw a poster encouraging blood donation at my job. and it had a nice little girl in a ballet outfit and the caption read "all this possible because of blood donation."
so i got to thinking, what if that little girl who would've died young, grew up and became a crackwhore who got pregnant, gave some guy who had a family aids when he cheated on his wife on a business trip, and then the crackwhore got pregnant and died in a car accident.

or what if she grew up normal, loving person. and ended up dieying tragically anyway? i don't know, just some random thoughts, biotch.

I've decided to change my random thoughts to more useful and funny anecdotes. The cell phone thing is just far too impractical. although, it is still a brilliant idea!

I must also keep in mind that my humor is sometimes very tasteless. i mean i find the following joke absolutely hysterical.
Q: What's black and blue and hates anal sex?
A: The little boy tied up in my trunk.

i mean, it's hilarious, tasteless, but unexpected at the very least...

Is someone one word? i think it is... oh well, i'm going to kill a certain individual that shall remain nameless for the sake of anonymity. so we'll call him RR. and the other party to be named will be lard ass. so, rr thinks he's going to quit. he's been talking like that for a while, but whatever. this asshole tells lard ass that he's thinking he's quitting and he's going to recommend lard ass for his (rr's) position. now, aside from being the size of a planet, this walking heavenly body is about as fun to be around as i would imagine jabba the hut is, or cortney love even. so you can see why i'm so angry. i may have to train this bohemoth and he may accidently inhale me and not even notice, he is so huge. all kidding aside lard ass is a decent guy, for a xenophobe. but who isn't xenophobic these days?

we always tell lard ass how good he's doing, because we know he will then go and pester his boss, which is hilarious. but rr will die if i get stuck working with this walking garbage mound. for the love of god, pray for me all....

Seriously, i've heard remarks like, "who are the nation of islam? aren't they terrorists like bin laden?"
i even once had a conversation with a girl who just graduated high school, and some how the topic of those dollar coins they tried to bring back by making them "gold" and they sported sacagawea as the icon of the coin.
her: "who's sacagawea?"
me: "you know the girl who helped lead lewis and clark..."
her: "who are lewis and clark?"

yep...

so anyway i'm coming back from my break at work and i decided to fill up my water bottle with some nice refreshing artesian water located in the broom closet that serves as the coffee maker room. as soon as i make my way through the door to the front of the building i smell what to me seems like urine, and not just any urine, but that nasty yellow, drank nothing but carbonated sugar water for the past day and a half piss!
i immediately start to dry heave, but i keep my composure and manage to fill up my bottle with no ill effects. that's when i noticed that some moron around here left the rear burner on and there was a thin layer of coffee and sediment from the charred remains. i turned off the burner and grabbed the pot. luckily it wasn't too bad, to where the coffee is completely burnt and stuck to the pot. it was about 50/50. that is coffee and burnt residue. so i go over to the water fountain to dump the stuff out. and this is a pretty neato supremo water fountain. it has this little faucet type mounting that goes up and curves back down. making it ever so easy to fill up a 20oz water bottle with out tipping it over and trying to get a nice 45/50 degree angle to fill the bottle up with the mouth spout.
and as i'm tipping over the pot to pour out the vile remnants of coffee, i reach to pull the little faucet release trigger so the water would mix with the coffee and the vomit inducing residue wouldn't be all over the water fountain. and as i'm doing this particular event, the following thought enters my head:

"man! why the hell are the people who work here so stupid?"

and then as if god himself were to answer me, i hit the button to make the mouth spout squirt. thus a stream of water shot out the mouth spout and hit my hand which i abruptly pulled away because this gorilla war fare tactic of gods and the fountains startled me, as it was unexpected. i honestly thought that i was about to hit the trigger for that faucet thing, but nope. not this time. in my startled state i managed to spill some of that delightful fluid onto my nice pants and work shirt.

ahhh, poetic justice at it's best...

well, i'm just about to leave work. got five days off in a row! now that's w00t!
was just thinking how i'm going to celebrate by eating two jr bacon cheeseburgers with no tomato from wendy's followed by some captain morgan tattoo with some friends. maybe even get on some live. it's fun to get on xbox live when your drunk, as a matter of fact that's the best time to get on.

i was sitting at work watching the white sox/royals game on the internet. well, not so much watching, as much as sitting there waiting for the web page to update after every pitch. as i'm waiting to see if garland will make his 80th pick-off attempt on the same guy. i got to wondering if the game was on local tv.

f.y.i. - it's not. frickin sox are in first place with the best record in baseball but they're hardly ever on local tv. sucks if you don't have cable...

12:02pm - playing Oddworld: Stranger's Wrath. getting my ass kicked by fucking lefty lugnutz. i was franticly running to get behind a rock to get my health back up and thinking, please don't die, please don't die!
i made it, but ended up dieing shortly thereafter.

9:42pm - watching the sox at work in the break room and on the internet. sox winning 11-5 against kc. am thinking w00t! go sox!! best record in baseball, baby!!!!

1:31pm
i was leaving for work and saying bye to my dad. ever since he crashed his bike i feel like i have to say bye. i was in an accident a few weeks after his. no-one was hurt in my wreck. shit is so weird sometimes.

still unsure of what numbered thought this is...
10:03pm
call from my cousin.
wasn't really thinking just listening to my minds rendition of "Innervision" from system of a down.
with my inneeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrvisssssssssssiiiiiiiiiooooooooooooooooooooo-uhn!!!!!!!!

this is also a random thought entry.

Every night around this time the cleaning guy cleans up the restrooms. now this is a great thing, however he uses fucking vinegar on fucking every fucking thing. it is impossible for one to go into the restroom area without the urge to vomit. even those who love vinegar and vinaigrette salads would find it hard to stomach. it is really unbelievable.
it wasn't too bad tonight, i think most of it dried before i got in there, but a few nights ago i walk in and he's in there and must have just started cleaning a few minutes before. the three sink counter was soaked in vinegar, i mean it was literally gleaming with the reflection of the fluorescent blue light. the smell was indescribably pungent! it felt as if my eyelashes were about to curl up and decay off of my face, and my nose hair and eyebrows were singeing. i held my breath but it was hopeless. the smell engrossed my entire body like a body of water filling the restroom. i did my business and got the hell out of there.

i don't want to sound like a jackass here, but there's no way this stuff has any cleaning properties. i've worked at a steak house where we had olive oil and vinegar in separate bottles. and those things reeked. i couldn't imagine filling one up with water to drink or use afterword with the idea of "well, it must be clean, there was vinegar in it." i guess one could argue i wouldn't immediately put drinking water in a bottle of soap either, but jesus, at least it wouldn't be the most vile rank smelling drinking water in existence.

not really sure which number this is. i'll have to edit that later. i am missing a few, because i keep fucking forgetting them at my crib. so those will just have to wait.
i was just now looking at my yahoo mail and deleted some mail and was overcome with joy when i saw a new email. twas from netflix, and trigun is on it's way. this would not be such a big deal, but last time i checked this had a "long wait" instead of "available now" tag. it's been at the top of my queue for a while! this is i think the fifth out of ten discs, and i have to say is a really funny action filled anime. do your happy dance if you have one.

7/13/05 1:53pm - i was filling up gas and noticed that gas was $2.69, a full two cents cheaper than last time i filled up. yay!! hooray for bush and the oil companies!!
also, am wondering where i can procure a brita water filter for the internet "cheap vodka + brita filter = good vodka" theory to be tested, well it's supposedly proven, but i must try this for myself.

Wow, i forgot to write about this, but apparently around 10am yesterday, a couple from this place decided that the middle of the parking lot would be a dandy place to 'get it on', so to speak. i mean there are plenty of discreet places they could have picked, but nope, not them. they wanted the whole world to know, apparently. reports have revealed the girls legs were said to have been "flapping" out of the car window. after their escapade ended, the two stepped out of the car, one by one, and put their pants back on. reports locate the couple's fornication to the back seat of the vehicle. what makes for an interesting twist, dick, is that they were an extremely religious muslim couple. the female, has even been reported to have been wearing a hijab (pronounced ha-jeeb, it's the dealie they where to cover there heads and necks, for the uninformed and ingants). i guess that would make this some wacky muslim workplace sex!

Well, i guess i had three calls, i missed two of them, one i was in the shower, the other i don't know what i was doing. two of them were drunk-girl again. i was drinking the past two nights and had some nasty stomach pains. similar to when i first drank that nasty ass mikes hard lemonade. i may lay off the booze for a while. as long as there's plenty of kind around, i'm good anyway.

7.) 7/11/05 4:19pm - curiously close to 4:20, yet i was at work, not on a break...i was basically thinking i need to get rid of some people, but not a lot. my job sucks, i was also thinking!

well, another call at work, but i did expect this one so i'm not too sure of it's validity in this project.
anyway, i wasn't really thinking about anything. i was actually looking up the game of life instructions. i recently picked up the simpsons version of the game of life. hella sweet!
so, not having played the game since i was in single digits, i decided to look them up on-line. basically i remember nothing but how the game board looks.

3.) 7/9/05 10:29pm - I was driving home through some forest preserves, and thinking do i need some high beams? i don't really need high beams tonight for some reason, i can see better, must be very clear or something.

4.)7/9/05 10:35pm - getting close to my friends house. am thinking the sox frickin lost to the a's again, so if clint or nick-dog are there i'm gonna have to listen to them talk shit, even though the sox have the best record in baseball and are 30 games above .500! damn those stinking a's! how the hell do the a's, who aren't even .500, always kicking are asses?? it doesn't make sense.
also, what's up with the restricted number calling me? i wonder if it's the drunk girl. she's this girl i know, and she's cool, but not really my type, physically. her body's alright, but... i don't know it's just weird. she's been calling me a lot lately and i've been ignoring her. that just seems to make girls call you even more. but when you call them, they never answer. girls are so fucking complicated. anyway, the other day i was drunk and thinking, maybe i should just get with her. i can just stay drunk all the time. i know she'll be loyal (rolling my eyes), well seems that way, but i guess it usually does...

5.) 7/10/05 2:07pm - on my way to work. if they ain't callin me at work, it's on the way. i swear.
well, as usual i was tokin on my way to work. and it was some herouana, which is most excellent, to quote ted. anyhow, i'm fortunate enough to know the cultivator of this lovely herb. and he was kind enough to give me a fresh cutting to cure. so i was thinking about how long i would, and how excellent it's gonna turn out, and how fucking amazingly tasty it is. (drool)